It’s funny how when things are going well we seem to be always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Shane has been sober since he came home from jail. That’s an awesome thing to be able to say, he’s been sober for 13 days. I realize that many of those he was in jail, but they still count. Yet, I seem to keep waiting for the day that he drinks. I have been great on my new way of eating for 18 days, and yet, I’m still waiting for the day I mess it all up and eat 3 loaves of bread or an entire bag of chocolate. I’m not craving those things, and I can’t speak to if Shane is craving alcohol, although I believe that he is sometimes. However, we are both making good choices each day. So why am I still waiting and worrying?
It seems to me that that’s an issue with addicts as well as codependents. Particularly with codependents. I have lived so much of my life in complete chaos that when I’m not surrounded by it, I don’t know how to handle it. I tell myself all the time that I really just want to live a peaceful life, but I’m also afraid that since I’ve spent so much time in chaos if I don’t have it I’ll create it. I need to focus on learning to live my life as peacefully as possible. I’m not sure how that’s done, but it is something I need to work on. What I would hate to have happen is if I spend the rest of my life worrying and waiting and miss out on the life that’s right here in front of me.
It is in my nature and is part of my personality to get things done. To be moving and working the majority of my waking hours. If I’m not sure how to do something I’ll look it up or try things until something works. If I’m not sure of the answer to something I’ll create one. What I’m slowly discovering is that doesn’t really work. I am accustomed to being the only person that I can count on, the only one that gets things done or gets them done “right” that I tend to force things to happen not in their own time but in mine. In doing that I’ve likely missed out on some opportunities and have forced some solutions that could have been better if I’d waited them out. Often when I’m confused or worried about something I feel the overwhelming need to DO something about it. It doesn’t even have to be the right thing but I need to do SOMETHING. I think that sometimes in doing something I’ve blown right past other possibilities and things that may have worked out better. As I was reading the other day in Courage to Change I came across this idea; “When my thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, I probably won’t get the results I seek. As the saying goes, “When in doubt, don’t.'” That doesn’t however mean that we should sit and wait for answers, which is good, because I don’t think I could ever do that.
What I’m going to be working on for a while, is to keep working my program, to keep supporting Shane in his, and just let things come. It’s ok if I don’t have all the answers today or even next week. They’ll come when they’re supposed to. I think if I keep working on things, keep praying every day, keep talking to the people who care about me and support me, things will just work out. There’s no way for me to know if Shane is going to drink next week, or even tomorrow. There’s no way for me to know if I’ll be able to overcome my unhealthy relationship with food. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow or even in the next 5 minutes. That’s ok. A little scary for me to live there in the unknown. But as the slogan goes, one day at a time.